I Love My Water Bed

It's hot outside, so this is the place to be. I know this thing fills with cool liquid somehow. If only I had the opposable thumbs to make it happen. I'll just keep my head up on this hard pillow so if some kind soul comes by to help me out I won't drown in my sleep.

Woop woop!

I was framed! I always pick up after myself on walks - it was one of those other nasty neighbor dogs who left his droppings everywhere. And now I'm stuck in this horrible little cell with nothing to do except sleep.

No, wait, I'm on my balcony. I called the cops because the neighbors just wouldn't shut up. Watching TV really loud during the day, making loud phone calls between the hours of 8 AM and 5 PM. How's a girl supposed to get her beauty sleep with all of that racket?

Water Fountains

Yup, that's my paw in the lower corner. This little baby is about 4 feet off the ground. Why are they so darn inconvenient to use? I gotta get somebody else to push the stupid button just so I can get a drink. I mean seriously, they just blew it on the design with this one. I see all you people out there only drinking water from your plastic bottles. I know nobody uses these drinking fountains any more. So help a sister out by lowering it a few feet and adding a doggy pedal to bring on the cool liquid refreshment.

I Smell You Treat

Yes treat, I know you are there. I may not be able to see you up on top of these abnormally high counters, but I can smell you. Just give me 5 seconds alone with you and we'll see who's boss.

This is a Goat

This is not me; this is a goat. We're both white, but that's about where it ends. This goat lives on some private property up the the Los Gatos hills. There's another one behind the expensive, brand-new Audi. Yes, you read that right. I wonder if the goat goes for rides in the Audi. You know, once it's done chewing on the tires.

I saw it while I was going for a ride in the car today. Much more fun than eating hay out of a garage. People are weird.

Nude Sunbathing

This seems to be the perfect relaxing birthday decision. A lady never reveals her age, but I'm not old yet so screw that. I'm 4 today! Don't think I look a day over 3 and a half either.
Now if only I could get a little nude sunbathing going without all this stupid paparazzi taking my picture I'd be set. At least I have water and sand to make a mess of myself.

Speed Squeaker

OhmanI'msoexcitedIjustwanttograbthistoyandsqueakitasfastasIcan. Chewsqueakchewsqueakchewsqueak. Chewsqueak. Chew. Squeak. And I'm done.

Mmm...comfy carpet.

Prettier than a Waterfall

I'm not just about looks - I can pack all my own stuff in and out of
this trail. I'm a working dog afterall.

Hey. Stop looking at that waterfall. Stop it! That thing's there all
the time. I'm only here now. Look at me!

Mud Soup is the New Mud Pie

I'm just about the prettiest thing there is on this earth. That may sound conceited, but I assure you it's the absolute truth.


Sometimes a little spa pampering is just what I need after a long day of sleeping, barking, sleeping, poking my nose in my food and spreading it around the house but not actually eating it, sleeping, and trying on new collars. On days like these it seems that a cool mud bath is in order. It's not just great for the skin - it tastes delicious too.

New Furniture Needed

I know the economy is bad and we all need to buckle down, but this is
a little ridiculous. Is only half of me supposed to sleep at a time?

Wine is Boring

Really? I'm supposed to just sit and wait 21 days for this garbage to settle before bottling? No way. I have more important things to do...like chase my tail and sniff other dogs' butts.

Maybe a little nap here will speed things along.

Zzzzzz...

Squirrel!

I totally see you there squirrel. Sure there's a tree to your right, but you're stuck out there on a ledge. You think you can make it to the tree before I do? Well?

Make your move.

Beethoven's Wine

If there's one lesson we all took away from Disney's movie "Ratatouille" it's that rats can compete with the best chefs in the world. And since I'm a billion times smarter than a rat I should be able to make one of the world's best wines.

Of course I can't taste it because anything grapey kills dogs. But not being able to hear didn't stop Beethoven...

And stay away from my jug of wine. It's resting.

One Eye

The little guy sleeps with one eye open - always alert for danger so I can get a full day of beauty sleep. It's the dedication and constant vigilance that earns him the giant bed while I take the floor.

And yes, that vest is bulletproof.

Entourage

It's important to always have my crew any time I roll in public. The only problem here is that the two guys my right are fixed, and at time of publication the one on the left is fixed too. Wait. Did I say that was a problem? Men are so much more useful this way.
[Not pictured: my bodyguard is sitting in the cab.]

Watchdog

I earn my keep by being intimidating. What I don't need is somebody checking up on me all the time. I can do this just as well lying down as standing up, thank you very much.

Camouflage

Today was just one of those days. I knocked my water dish over, I chewed a hole in my favorite toy and a stranger freaked me out so I peed on the carpet. If my agent calls, I'll be hiding in my fort trying my best to look like the carpet.

Try Again

You think you can entertain me with your silly green and purple ball? Please. You're going to have to try a bit harder. Set me up with a PS3. Or at least something that squeaks when I bite it.

Dinner Time

Why are you staring? You expect me to eat from some giant metal bowl on the floor? If I'm going to eat bugs it's because I want to, not because they stumbled into my dish when I wasn't looking.

You there, with the opposable thumbs. Make dinner happen for me now.

Recycling

This is one of my favorite toys. I get a new one several times a day. They only last a few minutes or so, but the crinkly sound they make before they die is just so satisfying. And they're made from 100% post-consumer water bottles, so I feel like I'm doing my part to make the planet a little greener.

Kisses

The rain stopped falling and the sun is supposed to be out for the next several days. I'm so excited! Will you take me for a walk now? Will you? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Here, I'll give you kisses first. Now can we go outside and play? Puh-leeeease?

Trees Kneel Before Me

Sure, most dogs pee on trees. It may not seem like the most polite way to go about things, but until we sprout opposable thumbs and waste our time learning out to write, this will have to do. Urinating at the base of the trunk is child's play though. When I go out, trees bend to my whim. I micturated on the very top of this one. Tree's mine - beat it.

Brunch

I love the weekends. Sleeping in late, going for long walks, the pancake breakfasts...

No, really, I couldn't eat another bite.

Morning Already?

Seriously? It's only 8 AM and it's raining outside. I wasn't raised in a barn - I can hold my pee until the sun comes out. Come back in a few hours.
P.S. Turn the heat up. My bodyguard here is chilly.

2010 Spring Fashion Show

The Butt Guard 5000™ is made of 100% easy-to-clean plastic and comes in a multitude of colors carefully designed to highlight your dog's best features. For example, the "orchid pink" I'm modeling brings the sarcastic boredom out of my eyes.

At first glance the cone seems to be only for human entertainment and mockery - but when properly attached it turns your entire body into a well-honed calf and ankle smashing weapon.